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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Report: NFL Players Look Weird In Suits

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Professional Association of Custom Clothiers, NFL players, especially offensive linemen, generally look really weird in suits. "The suits themselves are actually very nice, but something about NFL players' bodies just make the whole thing look very awkward," the report read in part, adding that an aspect of the initial weirdness is that NBA players "just look way better" in suits than NFL players do. "And it's not that the suits don't fit correctly, either. It's hard to explain. It's just that bizarre combination of very thick necks and plump heads jutting out of common business attire that looks plain off." The report concluded that even the quarterbacks "look like they're wearing a costume or something."

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