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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Report: NFL Players Look Weird In Suits

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Professional Association of Custom Clothiers, NFL players, especially offensive linemen, generally look really weird in suits. "The suits themselves are actually very nice, but something about NFL players' bodies just make the whole thing look very awkward," the report read in part, adding that an aspect of the initial weirdness is that NBA players "just look way better" in suits than NFL players do. "And it's not that the suits don't fit correctly, either. It's hard to explain. It's just that bizarre combination of very thick necks and plump heads jutting out of common business attire that looks plain off." The report concluded that even the quarterbacks "look like they're wearing a costume or something."

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