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Report: NHL Actually Has Had Hundreds Of Openly Gay Players For Years

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Report: NHL Actually Has Had Hundreds Of Openly Gay Players For Years

NEW YORK—In the wake of NBA center Jason Collins and U.S. soccer midfielder Robbie Rogers coming out as homosexual, reports revealed Friday that the National Hockey League has in fact had hundreds of openly gay athletes throughout its history.

Sources confirmed that gay players have actually been incredibly common in the NHL for decades, and the league is only now being credited with laying the groundwork for the growing acceptance of homosexuality in professional sports.

“It’s obviously a watershed moment when a player from the NBA announces he’s gay, but most people forget about Montreal Canadiens winger Steve Shutt, who came out back in 1972,” said hockey historian Hank Crerand, noting that Shutt was the first of many gay NHL players to reveal their homosexuality. “Even though gay athletes still carry a stigma today, it’s nothing compared to the ’70s. The likes of Shutt and Gordie Howe faced not only vitriol and discrimination from fans and the media, but also their own teammates and coaches.”

“The issue of gay athletes has now reached a major turning point, and it’s only a matter of time before someone in the NFL or MLB comes out,” Crerand continued. “But the idea that a player would not need to hide his sexual orientation from the public—and indeed be proud of it—was very much pioneered by the NHL.”

Since its original inception in 1917 through to the “Original 6” era of the ’40s, ’50s, and ’60s, the NHL has reportedly had a long history of gay players and was far ahead of its time in combating prejudice and intolerance toward homosexuality within locker rooms and stadiums.

“Things really started to take a turn for the better when Mike Eruzione became the first openly gay captain of an Olympic hockey team to win a gold medal, leading the U.S. to victory over the Soviet Union during the famous 1980 ‘Miracle On Ice’ final,” explained Crerand. “I still remember everyone’s total shock during Eruzione’s emotional embrace with his boyfriend Ken [Morrow] on the ice after the game.”

“That kiss really changed a lot of attitudes within the hockey community,” Crerand added.

Bob Probert, who played 16 seasons for the Detroit Red Wings and Chicago Blackhawks, reportedly had a huge impact on the league as hockey’s “Homo Enforcer,” intimidating the competition and pummeling opponents with vicious punches. Crerand told reporters that Probert was the “most feared queer” in the NHL and transformed the perception that a homosexual hockey player couldn’t be a gay goon.

Crerand stressed, however, that no athlete was more influential to the gay rights movement than Wayne Gretzky, widely regarded as the greatest gay player in NHL history.

“In arguably the most seminal press conference the sport has ever seen, Wayne Gretzky delivered his iconic ‘This Is Who I Am’ speech right after winning his first Stanley Cup with the Edmonton Oilers in 1984,” said Crerand, adding that within the following decade Mark Messier, Patrick Roy, and Claude Lemieux followed Gretzky’s lead. “Number 99 completely changed the landscape for gay athletes in the NHL, especially commercially, and no one had a greater impact on young gay hockey players around the world. And that is, of course, why the gay community nicknamed him ‘The Great One.’”

Reports confirmed that Gretzky blazed the trail for current NHL stars Sidney Crosby, Alex Ovechkin, Patrick Kane, Henrik Zetterberg, Evgeni Malkin, Jonathan Quick, Pavel Datsyuk, Ryan Suter, Paul Stastny, Martin St. Louis, Rick Nash, Ryan Miller, Patrik Elias, Stephen Gionta, Clarke MacArthur, Patrick Dwyer, Mike Rupp, Carey Price, Dustin Brown, Zbynek Michalek, Brad Richards, Derek Dorsett, Brian Boyle, David Krejci, Shea Weber, Derick Brassard, Sergei Gonchar, Braden Holtby, Brandon Dubinsky, Stephane Robidas, Colin Greening, James Reimer, Kevin Poulin, Brandon Prust, Travis Hamonic, Martin Brodeur, Joakim Andersson, Vincent Lecavalier, Josh Green, Daniel Alfredsson, Joe Thornton, Arron Asham, Alexander Steen, Michael Del Zotto, Patrice Bergeron, Matt Duchene, Teddy Purcell, Michael Ryder, Tomas Fleischmann, Lars Eller, Daniel Winnik, Jyri Niemi, Mikhail Grigorenko, Evander Kane, David Backes, Jiri Tlusty, Sam Gagner, David Desharnais, Cody Franson, Steve Ott, Dustin Byfuglien, Casey Cizikas, Daniel Sedin, Brian Campbell, Ilya Kovalchuk, Chris Neil, Patrick Sharp, Jaromir Jagr, Hal Gill, Mark Giordano, Marc-Andre Fleury, Ray Whitney, Mike Cammalleri, Lee Stempniak, James van Riemsdyk, Martin Hanzal, David Clarkson, Vinny Prospal, Taylor Hall, Ryan Getzlaf, Andrew Ladd, Alexander Semin, Max Pacioretty, Brenden Dillon, Jonathan Toews, Jordan Eberle, Marian Hossa, Frans Nielsen, Alex Galchenyuk, Bobby Ryan, Manny Malhotra, Mike Fisher, Bryan Little, Nail Yakupov, Patrick Marleau, Jonathan Huberdeau, Tyler Ennis, Craig Anderson, Saku Koivu, Shane Doan, Ryan White, Blake Wheeler, Evgeni Nabokov, Mark Fraser, Jeff Carter, Nicklas Backstrom, Michael Grabner, Brendan Gallagher, Tomas Plekanec, John Tavares, Taylor Pyatt, Alex Burrows, Rene Bourque, Jason Chimera, Joffrey Lupul, Corey Perry, Brad Stuart, Justin Williams, Matt Cullen, Marian Gaborik, Patrik Berglund, Brian Elliott, Josh Harding, Daniel Cleary, Roberto Luongo, Nazem Kadri, Zach Parise, Eric Staal, Jordan Staal, Marc Staal, Jared Staal, Steven Stamkos, and Ryan Kesler all coming out as gay in recent years.

According to experts, the league’s progressive stance toward homosexuality also paved the way for the 2013 Philadelphia Flyers, the only professional sports roster in history to be comprised entirely of gay players.

“It’s nice to see the rest of the sports world beginning to catch up to the NHL when it comes to gay tolerance,” said ESPN hockey analyst Barry Melrose, himself openly gay since the early 1990s. “A lot of credit also has to go to Gary Bettman, still the only openly homosexual commissioner of a North American sports league.”

“But without a doubt, none of this would have been possible without the unbelievable altruism and open-mindedness of the NHL fan base,” added Melrose, “It’s far easier for players to be truly comfortable in their own skin knowing so many fans are gay too.”

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