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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Report: No Gay People Actually Refer To Selves As 'Same-Sex Couple'

WASHINGTON—Following the U.S. Supreme Court’s historic rulings on gay rights earlier in the day, a report issued Wednesday by the Human Rights Campaign reveals that not a single one of the nation’s millions of homosexuals actually refer to themselves and their partners as “same-sex couples.” “While the expression ‘same-sex couple’ is frequently incorporated into legislation, legal proceedings, and throughout the media, our research shows that this is not a term that even one gay person has ever used to describe his or her relationship,” said author of the report James Newcastle, 41, who noted that at no point in his own life has he referred to his boyfriend as his “same-sex partner.” “As the evidence demonstrates, whenever two gay people are engaged in a relationship, they usually just say something like, ‘We’re dating,’ or, ‘We’re married,’ or, ‘We’re a couple.’ They might, and it’s a big might, call themselves a ‘gay couple.’ But ‘same-sex couple’ is not a thing that normal people say.” Newcastle added, however, that a surprising number of such romantic pairs are now identifying themselves as a “queer dyad.”

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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