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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Report: No Gay People Actually Refer To Selves As 'Same-Sex Couple'

WASHINGTON—Following the U.S. Supreme Court’s historic rulings on gay rights earlier in the day, a report issued Wednesday by the Human Rights Campaign reveals that not a single one of the nation’s millions of homosexuals actually refer to themselves and their partners as “same-sex couples.” “While the expression ‘same-sex couple’ is frequently incorporated into legislation, legal proceedings, and throughout the media, our research shows that this is not a term that even one gay person has ever used to describe his or her relationship,” said author of the report James Newcastle, 41, who noted that at no point in his own life has he referred to his boyfriend as his “same-sex partner.” “As the evidence demonstrates, whenever two gay people are engaged in a relationship, they usually just say something like, ‘We’re dating,’ or, ‘We’re married,’ or, ‘We’re a couple.’ They might, and it’s a big might, call themselves a ‘gay couple.’ But ‘same-sex couple’ is not a thing that normal people say.” Newcastle added, however, that a surprising number of such romantic pairs are now identifying themselves as a “queer dyad.”

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