Report: No One At White Castle Wants To Make Friends

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Vol 46 Issue 13

NBA To Start Charging Teams For Free Throws

NEW YORK—In an effort to increase the league's revenue and offset the expensive cost of foul shots, commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the NBA would begin charging teams a $50 fee per free throw attempt.

Chimp In Cocaine Study Starts Lying To Friends

ATLANTA—Early in the study, Bobo's elevated mood and excessive chattering made him quite popular among the other chimpanzees. But researchers claimed that his increased irritability, short temper, and absenteeism at the jungle gym did not go unnoticed.
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Report: No One At White Castle Wants To Make Friends

DETROIT—A new report compiled at the Gratiot Avenue White Castle late Saturday night found that none of the eatery's patrons possessed any enthusiasm to meet new people. Data compiled between the hours of 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. in the restaurant's dining room revealed a zero percent interest in friendly chatter, group sing-alongs, exchanging bites of sandwiches, tabletop drum circles, or any other social activity. An equal percentage displayed no interest in posing for cell-phone photographs, with 11 percent hissing angrily when asked. According to the report, the only person in the building who exhibited any signs of friendliness was the shift manager, but even he wasn't interested in going back to the apartment and watching a bunch of UFC matches.

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