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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: No One At White Castle Wants To Make Friends

DETROIT—A new report compiled at the Gratiot Avenue White Castle late Saturday night found that none of the eatery's patrons possessed any enthusiasm to meet new people. Data compiled between the hours of 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. in the restaurant's dining room revealed a zero percent interest in friendly chatter, group sing-alongs, exchanging bites of sandwiches, tabletop drum circles, or any other social activity. An equal percentage displayed no interest in posing for cell-phone photographs, with 11 percent hissing angrily when asked. According to the report, the only person in the building who exhibited any signs of friendliness was the shift manager, but even he wasn't interested in going back to the apartment and watching a bunch of UFC matches.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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