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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Report: No One At White Castle Wants To Make Friends

DETROIT—A new report compiled at the Gratiot Avenue White Castle late Saturday night found that none of the eatery's patrons possessed any enthusiasm to meet new people. Data compiled between the hours of 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. in the restaurant's dining room revealed a zero percent interest in friendly chatter, group sing-alongs, exchanging bites of sandwiches, tabletop drum circles, or any other social activity. An equal percentage displayed no interest in posing for cell-phone photographs, with 11 percent hissing angrily when asked. According to the report, the only person in the building who exhibited any signs of friendliness was the shift manager, but even he wasn't interested in going back to the apartment and watching a bunch of UFC matches.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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