WASHINGTON—A comprehensive report issued Thursday has revealed that not a single one of the 7.5 billion inhabitants of earth is thinking about you right now. “An analysis of the evidence definitively shows that absolutely no one anywhere is giving any thought whatsoever to your life, your work, your well-being, your opinions, or your feelings,” the report read in part, before going on to state that of the scores of human beings who have visually registered your presence over the past several hours or the many thousands you have crossed paths with during your lifetime, precisely zero of them are actively thinking about you as a person or considering anything even remotely related to your individual existence. “Whatever words you may have spoken today and whatever tasks you may have accomplished—no one is thinking about any of that. No one has noticed what you’re wearing, either, or how well or poorly groomed you are. You might, of course, be thinking about yourself, but you are most certainly the only being in the entire expanse of the universe currently doing that.” In addition to concluding that no one is thinking about you at present, the report also found that you have not crossed anyone’s mind for quite some time and that nobody is expected to think about you at any point in the foreseeable future.