PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Tuesday by sociologists at Stanford University, there’s not a single potential partner out there who will ever be as kind, caring, or intelligent as your eighth-grade boyfriend, the first and last guy who totally “got” you and the only one you truly loved.
Noting that he made you feel things you won’t ever feel again, the report confirmed that no one else can stack up to your middle school sweetheart, Brian Boughton—the one who shared your first kiss, knew how to play the first verse and chorus of Green Day’s “Time Of Your Life” on his guitar, and also liked to read.
“Based on the evidence, it’s clear that Brian is as good as it will get for you—past, present, or future,” said Dr. Theresa Cheung, who co-authored the 43-page report on the boy you broke up with two decades ago when his family moved to Maryland. “While there may be some guys who come close to him in some areas, they will never have that complete package of good looks, rebelliousness, humor, and skateboarding ability that made you weak in the knees.”
“What you had with him was really special,” she added. “And it’s something you won’t ever be able to replicate no matter how hard you try.”
Cheung, whose research team analyzed all of your romantic partners since Brian and found none of them even holds a candle to the fun-loving boy who had a cool chain wallet, stated that you will never again feel as free and alive as you did with the guy you went out with for six weeks when you were 13 years old. In addition, she said, no boyfriend will again allow himself to be as vulnerable around you—like Brian did when he bought you two pink carnations on Valentine’s Day, or the time he let you see him cry after his grandmother died.
The report also found that no other guy will ever be as understanding as Brian was, citing the time he took you to see Jurassic Park, bought you a box of Mike and Ikes, and reached for your hand to comfort you during the scary parts.
Cheung went on to affirm that behind the edginess that made your parents uncomfortable, Brian was really sweet and had hazel eyes that you could stare into for hours.
“The man you’re currently interested in, to take but one example, will never measure up to the boy who wrote heartfelt love notes and slipped them into your locker for you to find later,” Cheung said. “This new guy may have a lot going for him, but here’s what he doesn’t have: a Sony Discman containing the Dead Kennedys’ Frankenchrist that the two of you can cut class and listen to. Brian had that.”
“Face it, this is a pattern you will continue to experience for the rest of your life, always hoping for someone as wonderful as your eighth-grade boyfriend but always coming up short,” she continued. “No one will ever compare to him and you will never feel as special as you did in his cool basement. This is a fact.”
According to the report, while Brian long ago moved on with his life, there are still times when he looks back fondly on his youth and secretly pines for his first true love, the girlfriend he had in tenth grade.