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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Report: No Way This Year's Summer Strawberries Living Up To Hype

WASHINGTON—In the midst of unprecedented buzz over the highly anticipated 2013 crop of summer strawberries, a report issued today by the U.S. Department of Agriculture indicated that there’s absolutely no way this year’s batch will come anywhere close to living up to all the hype. “For all the chatter that’s circulating around these summer strawberries—and there’s a lot—there’s just not a snowball’s chance in hell they end up meeting our wildly inflated expectations at this point,” said department spokesperson Marsha Rockwell, noting that people “must be fucking dreaming” if they’re actually buying into the rumors concerning the unparalleled sweetness, texture, and abundance of the fruit’s coming harvest. “Yeah, we’ve all heard about how these berries are totally going to knock our socks off, but you need to keep in mind we were saying the same thing leading up to the summer of ’07, and we all remember how that turned out. Hey, I know we all want another batch like we had in 1994, but trust me: It ain’t fucking happening. Not this year.” Rockwell added that if the U.S. populace doesn’t “get their heads out of the clouds and come back to reality,” the resulting letdown could be the biggest disappointment since the “total bullshit” crop of asparagus that absolutely ruined the spring of 2003.

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