adBlockCheck

Report: No Way This Year's Summer Strawberries Living Up To Hype

Top Headlines

Recent News

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: No Way This Year's Summer Strawberries Living Up To Hype

WASHINGTON—In the midst of unprecedented buzz over the highly anticipated 2013 crop of summer strawberries, a report issued today by the U.S. Department of Agriculture indicated that there’s absolutely no way this year’s batch will come anywhere close to living up to all the hype. “For all the chatter that’s circulating around these summer strawberries—and there’s a lot—there’s just not a snowball’s chance in hell they end up meeting our wildly inflated expectations at this point,” said department spokesperson Marsha Rockwell, noting that people “must be fucking dreaming” if they’re actually buying into the rumors concerning the unparalleled sweetness, texture, and abundance of the fruit’s coming harvest. “Yeah, we’ve all heard about how these berries are totally going to knock our socks off, but you need to keep in mind we were saying the same thing leading up to the summer of ’07, and we all remember how that turned out. Hey, I know we all want another batch like we had in 1994, but trust me: It ain’t fucking happening. Not this year.” Rockwell added that if the U.S. populace doesn’t “get their heads out of the clouds and come back to reality,” the resulting letdown could be the biggest disappointment since the “total bullshit” crop of asparagus that absolutely ruined the spring of 2003.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close