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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: North Dakota Leads Nation In Parking Availability

BISMARCK, ND–According to the latest issue of U.S. News & World Report, for the 27th straight year, North Dakota leads the nation in parking availability. "Once again, the Peace Garden State comes out on top," Gov. Edward Schafer said. "Whether you're visiting Lawrence Welk's birthplace, the Victorian Dress Museum, or the Ft. Union Trading Post, you're guaranteed a great parking spot right out front." Schafer added that less than 1 percent of the state's parking spaces are metered.

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