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Report: North Korea Just Enjoys Nuclear Talks

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Report: North Korea Just Enjoys Nuclear Talks

WASHINGTON, DC—The Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists published a report Tuesday revealing what the international community has long suspected: The government of North Korea simply enjoys nuclear talks. "After years of protracted talks about strategic versus domestic nuclear programs and launch and delivery tactics, it's become increasingly evident that North Korea's stalling tactics stem from a deep desire to chat about nukes," said Ambassador Linton Brooks, chief of the National Nuclear Security Administration. "We are beginning to think that behind all this nuclear brinksmanship are 12 high-level scientists and politicians who enjoy getting together, kicking back, and making a weekend out of it." Although North Korea Prime Minister Pak Pong Ju had no comment on the report, members of his cabinet said they "would be delighted" to get together and discuss the matter further.

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