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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Report: Nothing Wrong With A Good Old-Fashioned Ham And Cheese Sandwich

NEW YORK—Saying the reliable standby would never let you down, a new report released Monday concluded that there’s nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned ham and cheese sandwich. “You could do a lot worse than a nice, dependable classic like this one,” read the report in part, adding that while a ham and cheese sandwich was nothing fancy, it was a simple and satisfying lunch you could trust and even have for dinner if you wanted. “Two slices of bread. Some ham. Some cheese. No problems here.” The reported concluded that whether you add a little mayo or some mustard, you really can’t lose either way.

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