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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Report: Nothing Wrong With A Good Old-Fashioned Ham And Cheese Sandwich

NEW YORK—Saying the reliable standby would never let you down, a new report released Monday concluded that there’s nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned ham and cheese sandwich. “You could do a lot worse than a nice, dependable classic like this one,” read the report in part, adding that while a ham and cheese sandwich was nothing fancy, it was a simple and satisfying lunch you could trust and even have for dinner if you wanted. “Two slices of bread. Some ham. Some cheese. No problems here.” The reported concluded that whether you add a little mayo or some mustard, you really can’t lose either way.

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