adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report:     % Of Americans Suffer From Synesthesia

BALTIMORE—A new report from leading neurologists at Johns Hopkins University reveals that as many as      percent of Americans have      or more symptoms of synesthesia. “Our conclusion is that the number of U.S. synesthesia patients is      times as high as at any point since the condition was first identified,” said study head Dr. Phillip Waggoner, announcing the findings of the in-depth     -year study. “It could take      decades to unravel the mysteries of synesthesia and develop an effective treatment.” Waggoner concluded by pleading with the government for more funding so that people afflicted with the medical enigma can live like the other percent of Americans.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close