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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Report: Oh, Fuck Yeah, Egg Yolk Dripping All Over Sandwich

SARASOTA, FL—Saying that the plump liquid center had been broken and was trickling warm yellow goo on all sides, a report released Thursday found that, oh, fuck yeah, an egg yolk was dripping all over a sandwich. “Oh baby, just look at that,” the report read in part, adding that, hell yes, every ingredient in the sandwich was now soaked in the stuff. “Man oh man, it’s flowing onto the plate now. So goddamn tasty.” The report went on to say—sweet Jesus fucking yes—that a piece of crispy bacon had fallen out of the sandwich and could be dipped into the yolk.

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