adBlockCheck

Report: Olympics Mathematically Likely To Happen This Year

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Olympics Mathematically Likely To Happen This Year

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—Despite the numerous and varied difficulties faced by Beijing officials as the 2008 Olympiad draws nearer, International Olympic Committee members reassured the public yesterday with an announcement that, seeing as the current year was divisible by four, a summer Olympics of some sort was mathematically likely. "Everyone knows that, right? If the year ends in a two, four, eight, or zero, you're getting an Olympics," said IOC president Jacques Rogge, ignoring for the moment the ongoing Chinese troubles with smog, incomplete athletic facilities, inadequate housing, insufficient tourist infrastructure, and widespread political and social controversy. "And the last Games were in the winter, so this year, we'll be throwing, you know, the, uh, Summer Games. Of course. The math, you see, it all works out." Chinese officials refused to comment on any probability of the Olympics being held, saying only that in China, mathematics were known to be much more difficult.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close