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Report: On Surface, Glenbrook, OH A Small Town Like Any Other

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Report: On Surface, Glenbrook, OH A Small Town Like Any Other

GLENBROOK, OH—Citing its rows of modest two-story homes and well-maintained lawns, a report released this week confirmed that Glenbrook, OH appears, on its surface, to be a small town like any other. “At first glance, this tight-knit Midwestern community with its single stoplight and sleepy tree-lined streets seems no different than the workaday towns you might pass through anywhere in Middle America,” the report read in part, describing Glenbrook as a place in which people know their neighbors, children walk to school each day, and a stroll downtown takes you by a church, a bank, a diner, and an old-fashioned ice cream parlor always occupied by a smiling family or a local Little League team. “Most people don’t even look twice at the town square, or the high school, or the old movie theater. Indeed, a casual observer isn’t likely to notice anything out of the ordinary at all.” The report added that, upon closer inspection beneath its quiet, cheerful exterior, visitors might discover something else entirely.

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