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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
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Report: One In Five Americans Currently Holding For The Next Available Representative

PRINCETON, NJ—A study released Monday by Princeton University found that
20 percent of all Americans are currently waiting for the next available
representative. "At this moment, some 50 million of us are on hold,"
study head William Voss told reporters while waiting to talk to a Con Edison
operator about an error in his February gas bill. "I myself have been
on hold for 13 minutes now." Voss assured Americans that their calls
would be answered in the order they were received.

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