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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Report: One In Five Americans Currently Holding For The Next Available Representative

PRINCETON, NJ—A study released Monday by Princeton University found that
20 percent of all Americans are currently waiting for the next available
representative. "At this moment, some 50 million of us are on hold,"
study head William Voss told reporters while waiting to talk to a Con Edison
operator about an error in his February gas bill. "I myself have been
on hold for 13 minutes now." Voss assured Americans that their calls
would be answered in the order they were received.

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