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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Report: Only .00003% Of Things That Happen Actually Matter

WASHINGTON—Despite the sense of importance virtually all people place on the details of their day-to-day lives, a new report out this week from the Pew Research Center found that only three in every 10 million things that happen actually matter. “For example, in the entire 20th century, the only events that really made any difference of any kind were the Holocaust, the invention of the atom bomb, civil rights, and at most one or two other things,” the report read in part. “Meanwhile, our research found that how much caffeine you drink, your kid’s soccer game, what time the supermarket closes, where you go on vacation, weekend box-office returns, who shot JFK, and your taste in design do not matter in any way, regardless of your level of interest in them. In fact, the last thing that actually mattered at all was 9/11.” Pressed for comment, Pew researchers acknowledged that their new report was not among the .00003 percent of things that matter.

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