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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Report: Only .00003% Of Things That Happen Actually Matter

WASHINGTON—Despite the sense of importance virtually all people place on the details of their day-to-day lives, a new report out this week from the Pew Research Center found that only three in every 10 million things that happen actually matter. “For example, in the entire 20th century, the only events that really made any difference of any kind were the Holocaust, the invention of the atom bomb, civil rights, and at most one or two other things,” the report read in part. “Meanwhile, our research found that how much caffeine you drink, your kid’s soccer game, what time the supermarket closes, where you go on vacation, weekend box-office returns, who shot JFK, and your taste in design do not matter in any way, regardless of your level of interest in them. In fact, the last thing that actually mattered at all was 9/11.” Pressed for comment, Pew researchers acknowledged that their new report was not among the .00003 percent of things that matter.

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