adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Only 20 Minutes Until Introverted Man Gets To Leave Party

SAN MATEO, CA—Having already spent a considerable amount of time quietly examining items around the apartment and standing on the periphery of others’ discussions until walking away under the pretense that he needed to refill his cup of beer, local introvert Dennis Brewer reported today that there are only 20 minutes left before he gets to leave an acquaintance’s house party. “I told myself I’d stay here until 8:30, and I already killed about 15 minutes avoiding conversation by circling repeatedly around the table of hors d’oeuvres to appear occupied, and another cumulative half hour pretending to text friends, so I just need to make it a few more minutes,” the tense man told reporters while sifting through a pile of coats on the host’s bed as if he was having trouble locating his jacket, an activity he planned to perform for the next 10 minutes or until someone else entered the room. “If I walk back and forth between the conversations in the kitchen and the living room for a little while and go back to the bathroom one more time, then I’ll have been here long enough to tell the host that I have some work to finish up before bed and that I should probably get going. Then it’s just a matter of slipping on my shoes and waiting to tie them until I get out the door so that not too many people see me leaving and ask why I’m heading out so soon.” At press time, sources reported that Brewer’s plans for withdrawal were dangerously imperiled by a partygoer’s insistence that the whole group hit up a nearby bar.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close