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Supreme Court

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, techn...
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Report: Only 47,000 Social Justice Milestones To Go Before U.S. Achieves Full Equality

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision making same-sex marriage legal nationwide, sources confirmed Friday that only 47,000 social justice milestones need to be reached before the U.S. achieves full equality. “This is a watershed moment for civil rights that finally brings the dream of living in an equitable society one tiny fraction of a step closer to reality,” said civil rights lawyer Helene Najjar, adding that the country could now turn its attention to closing the income gap, ending racial discrimination in law enforcement, and providing equal educational opportunities for all children, among tens of thousands of other issues. “We have been striving for this victory for decades, and we will continue to fight for a more just society until we have reached all 47,000 human rights milestones that still need to be achieved. This win proves that we are inching toward living in a nation in which we have equal rights for transgender people, people of color, people with disabilities, people living in poverty, women, immigrants, and countless other marginalized groups.” Experts confirmed that even with the Supreme Court’s ruling, the U.S. would still need to achieve 8,000 more milestones before gays could be considered fully equal.


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