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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Report: Only Matter Of Time Before A 'SportsCenter' Host Snaps, Blows Brains Out On Live Television

BRISTOL, CT—Citing the increasingly frenetic pace at which SportsCenter anchors and correspondents are forced to report the same shallow feature items, gushing personality profiles, and artificially inflated news stories, media analysts announced Friday that ESPN was at great risk of seeing one of its hosts die of a self-inflicted gunshot wound during a live broadcast.

"Even a casual viewer, say someone who watches SportsCenter three or four times a week, can see that the warning signs have been there for a while," Dr. Susan Scheub of Syracuse University said. "The strained faces of the presenters as they read yet another Tim Tebow story late last year, their tortured voices as they tried to pass off the statistical anomaly of 'Linsanity' as some sort of magical phenomenon—classic evidence of stress and trauma. Given what I've seen on the show this week, I'd be surprised if we get through the Peyton Manning free-agency tour without a tragic incident, let alone March Madness."

Scheub was most likely referring to an incident earlier this week in which obviously upset SportsCenter anchor Kevin Negandhi discussed Manning's visit to the Tennessee Titans for the 11th time while absentmindedly brandishing a large-caliber handgun, his voice pitching higher and higher as he spoke more and more quickly, often using the firearm to rub his temple, support his chin, or gesture at guest commentator Adam Schefter.

"What we see on ESPN is a classic example of talented, ambitious people pushed to the breaking point by being forced to work extremely hard on repetitive, meaningless tasks," said Matthew Koening, a media-suicide-prevention expert brought into the study as a consultant in early February when bottles of vodka and sleeping pills began appearing on the NFL Live anchor desks during the excruciating run-up to the Super Bowl. "We are talking about a cable network that can overhype the championship game of the most popular sport in America. As terrible as it is to watch, just imagine what it must be like to work in that environment."

Koening's assessment of the working conditions at the self-styled Worldwide Leader in Sports would seem to be borne out by recent anchor behavior.

"Tiger Woods: Are 18 majors victories possible? How bad is his recent injury? Should he retire? Are these questions leading to anything? Haven't we done this before? Is this news? Am I even a journalist? This is SportsCenter, and I'm Chris McKendry," the veteran anchor said during the show's introduction Monday night. "I'm not a bad person. I'm just doing my job, which is to talk about Tiger Woods even though he isn't very good and isn't really news. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. There, I did it! I was top in my class in college. I was passionate about sports. Oh, God. Oh, God. Here's Scott Van Pelt."

Van Pelt then watched, unblinking, as McKendry broke her coffee mug on the edge of the desk and the directors and cameramen attempted to wrest the sharp porcelain shards away from her.

"It does get to me, of course," said John Buccigross, who has been a SportsCenter anchor since the mid-1990s. "I went through a really bad time there for a while. I had some really dark thoughts, drank too much, hated myself when I should have been hating what this cheap, loud, blaring, stupid network has done to my love of sports. I was afraid for my career. God help me, I was afraid for me. But as bad as it got, I never gave in to the impulse to jump up on my stool and use the noose I tied up there in the studio’s lighting rig. See it? Right there."

"Anyway, this was a long, long time ago, about the time the NCAA Tournament was starting and Sidney Crosby finally returned to the ice," Buccigross confirmed. "I'm much better now."

"This cannot be allowed to continue," said Dr. Scheub, who told reporters she would be sharing her findings with ESPN management as well as the Federal Communications Commission. "Sure, there are some anchors whose psychological damage and self-loathing are well-deserved and, some would say, only fitting punishment. But for every Chris Berman or Stephen A. Smith there is a Linda Cohn or…or someone like that, someone not completely beyond saving. And right now, many of these poor anchors are only one long, drawn-out, utterly contrived and overreported steroid controversy away from a complete suicidal breakdown."

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