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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Report: Only One In Every 150,000 Dead Children Becomes Angel

CHICAGO—Contradicting long-held conventional wisdom, a report appearing this week in The Journal Of Theological Studies concludes that, among children who perish before the age of 4, only one in 150,000 becomes an angel. "While it's comforting for parents to believe the spirits of their dead children live on as angels, we found that fewer than one in 50 kids even goes to heaven," said head researcher Jerard Tinsley, a professor of Cherubic Studies at DePaul University. "Becoming an angel is one of the highest honors God can bestow on an individual, and not everyone makes the cut." Tinsley's research team was also responsible for last year's groundbreaking discovery of doggie hell.

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