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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Report: Only Predictor Of Happy Marriage Is If Husband Ever Won Wife Big Stuffed Animal At Amusement Park

CHICAGO—Citing it as the telltale indicator of long-term marital satisfaction, a report released Wednesday by the Family Institute at Northwestern University found that the sole predictor of a successful marriage is whether or not the husband ever won a big stuffed animal for his wife at a county fair or amusement park. “Whether it’s achieved by knocking over three milk cans with a ball or filling a clown’s mouth with a jet of water, we noted a direct correlation between the quality of love two married people experience and whether or not the husband ever successfully won a carnival game and thereby earned his wife a giant plush Tweety Bird or fuzzy blue bear,” said lead researcher Aaron Tolchinsky, who noted that if the husband pointed to the largest prize and said “You want that? I’ll get it for you,” before winning it, the couple had a 94 percent chance of reporting high levels of emotional, intellectual, and sexual fulfillment. “In addition, the size of the stuffed animal won for a wife was extremely accurate in predicting levels of satisfaction, with smaller prizes like rubber finger puppets or plastic backscratchers resulting in higher incidences of dissatisfaction and divorce.” The report added that if on the way home from a fair a husband tenderly placed his jacket over his wife’s shoulders, statistics indicated they would die of old age on the very same day.

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