adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Only Thing A-Rod Guilty Of Is Trying To Win Ballgames

NEW YORK—Following Major League Baseball’s announcement that New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez will be suspended through 2014, sources confirmed Monday that there’s only one thing the 14-time All-Star is guilty of, and that’s trying to win baseball games.

Individuals who follow the sport and understand that there isn’t anything more important than putting up numbers and bringing home the hardware confirmed that no matter what commissioner Bud Selig might have to say about one of the greatest players of our generation violating MLB rules by using performance-enhancing drugs, the fact is that A-Rod went out there and did what he had to do to help his team win.

Sources added that if playing to win, gutting it out on the diamond every day, and doing whatever is necessary to perform at the top of your abilities makes you guilty, then, sure, A-Rod’s guilty.

A-Rod is guilty as charged of taking his game to the next level and putting on performances that delight and inspire countless baseball fans across the nation.

According to everyone who knows what baseball is all about, A-Rod is also a career .300 hitter; he’s knocked 647 home runs out of the park; and, most importantly, on November 4, 2009, he went out there and helped the Yankees win their 27th World Series.

He won. He’s a winner. Trophies, rings, winning—that's what matters, sources confirmed, and if wanting to be a winner is a crime in America, then the MLB might as well ban all 300 million of us, because that’s what this country’s all about.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close