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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Report: Only Thing A-Rod Guilty Of Is Trying To Win Ballgames

NEW YORK—Following Major League Baseball’s announcement that New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez will be suspended through 2014, sources confirmed Monday that there’s only one thing the 14-time All-Star is guilty of, and that’s trying to win baseball games.

Individuals who follow the sport and understand that there isn’t anything more important than putting up numbers and bringing home the hardware confirmed that no matter what commissioner Bud Selig might have to say about one of the greatest players of our generation violating MLB rules by using performance-enhancing drugs, the fact is that A-Rod went out there and did what he had to do to help his team win.

Sources added that if playing to win, gutting it out on the diamond every day, and doing whatever is necessary to perform at the top of your abilities makes you guilty, then, sure, A-Rod’s guilty.

A-Rod is guilty as charged of taking his game to the next level and putting on performances that delight and inspire countless baseball fans across the nation.

According to everyone who knows what baseball is all about, A-Rod is also a career .300 hitter; he’s knocked 647 home runs out of the park; and, most importantly, on November 4, 2009, he went out there and helped the Yankees win their 27th World Series.

He won. He’s a winner. Trophies, rings, winning—that's what matters, sources confirmed, and if wanting to be a winner is a crime in America, then the MLB might as well ban all 300 million of us, because that’s what this country’s all about.

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