adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Only Thing A-Rod Guilty Of Is Trying To Win Ballgames

NEW YORK—Following Major League Baseball’s announcement that New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez will be suspended through 2014, sources confirmed Monday that there’s only one thing the 14-time All-Star is guilty of, and that’s trying to win baseball games.

Individuals who follow the sport and understand that there isn’t anything more important than putting up numbers and bringing home the hardware confirmed that no matter what commissioner Bud Selig might have to say about one of the greatest players of our generation violating MLB rules by using performance-enhancing drugs, the fact is that A-Rod went out there and did what he had to do to help his team win.

Sources added that if playing to win, gutting it out on the diamond every day, and doing whatever is necessary to perform at the top of your abilities makes you guilty, then, sure, A-Rod’s guilty.

A-Rod is guilty as charged of taking his game to the next level and putting on performances that delight and inspire countless baseball fans across the nation.

According to everyone who knows what baseball is all about, A-Rod is also a career .300 hitter; he’s knocked 647 home runs out of the park; and, most importantly, on November 4, 2009, he went out there and helped the Yankees win their 27th World Series.

He won. He’s a winner. Trophies, rings, winning—that's what matters, sources confirmed, and if wanting to be a winner is a crime in America, then the MLB might as well ban all 300 million of us, because that’s what this country’s all about.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close