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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: Only Way Nation Will Pay Attention To Climate Change Is If Julia Roberts Dies In Hurricane

TALLAHASSEE, FL—As the nation recovers from Hurricane Sandy, Florida State University researchers released a report Wednesday revealing that the only circumstance in which Americans would ever pay any attention at all to the issue of climate change would be if film actress Julia Roberts were killed in a hurricane. “Our data suggest that Julia Roberts will either have to drown in rising floodwaters or be crushed to death as 170-mile-per-hour winds demolish her home before the country even acknowledges global warming,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Brooke Langley, adding that the widely beloved star of Erin Brockovich and Pretty Woman would need to be killed in no less than a Category 1 tropical cyclone for the populace to notice that irregular climate shifts pose a very real threat to humanity. “Even if millions are killed and entire cities are washed away, only the sight of Ms. Roberts’ pale, lifeless corpse lying amid storm wreckage will convince Americans to have open and frank discussions about the disastrous effects of greenhouse-gas emissions. And even then, there’s no telling if it will be enough for the country to actively take any steps to reduce them.” At press time, disappointed climatologists confirmed that Julia Roberts remains alive and was entirely unharmed by Hurricane Sandy.

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