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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Report: Peyton Manning Played Entire Season With 38-Year-Old Body

DENVER—After a lackluster performance in his team’s playoff loss to the Indianapolis Colts, reports emerged Wednesday that Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning played the entire 2014 season with a 38-year-old body. “Many had suspected something was wrong as Manning’s numbers dipped during the second half of the season, but he was able to hide the precise nature of his 38-year-old body from coaches, teammates, and the media,” said ESPN’s Adam Schefter, adding that the team’s midseason shift to a more run-heavy offense was made in an effort to keep the 14-time Pro Bowler from further aggravating his nearly-four-decades-old bones, tendons, and musculature. “Manning was often seen grimacing on the sidelines and was visibly frustrated at being hampered by a 38-year-old body during games. But the situation unfortunately only worsened as he tried to play through it.” Reached for comment, sources from the Broncos medical staff expressed pessimism over Manning’s future, warning that he will put himself at significant risk if he opts to play next season with a 39-year-old body.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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