Report: Presidents Washington Through Bush May Have Lied About Key Matters

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You To Receive 15 Pounds Of Venison Sausage From Uncle

YOUR HOUSE—According to reports from your sister, your uncle has completed this year's batch of venison sausage, 15 pounds of which are now en route to your home. "[Your dad] was going on and on about how he used a different batch of seasonings this year, like cloves," your sister said. "They're thicker this year, too." Upon arrival, the complimentary meat will be placed in your basement freezer below the nine pounds of last year's venison sausage.

Punk Band Has Something Against Local Newscaster For Some Reason

HARRISBURG, PA—Crucial Consensus, a local hardcore punk band, apparently holds a longstanding grudge against Channel 27 newsanchor Rick Wagner. "They opened with this song called 'DickLick Wagner,'" said Brad Gottesman, 17, who attended the group's Tuesday show at the Harrisburg VFW Hall. "Then they played something called 'Phlegm At Eleven,' followed by 'Wankorman' and 'Channel 666.' They really seem to hate the media—especially, for some reason, Rick Wagner."

Surgeon General Mills Recommends Three To Five Servings Of Froot Per Day

WASHINGTON, DC—In a report submitted Monday to the Department of Health and Human Services, Surgeon General James Mills recommended that Americans consume three to five servings of froot per day. "A crunchier, more berrilicious cousin of the fruit family, froot is vital to proper digestion and breakfast fun," Surgeon General Mills said. "Whether you're eating it straight off the vine or, ideally, in its processed 'loop' form, Americans should be sure to get plenty of froot."

FBI Director Wishes He Had Some Alien Thing To Cover Up

WASHINGTON, DC—Tired of focusing on counterfeiting operations and unsubstantiated homeland-security threats, FBI director Robert Mueller said Monday that he wishes he had some exciting alien thing to cover up. "Don't get me wrong, I know the work I do is important and necessary," Mueller said. "But, man, after a long day of reading 450-page reports on plausible areas of concern for liquor-license falsification, I really wish I could order a sweeping cover-up of reverse-engineered UFO technology." Mueller added that it would be cool just to see a real spaceman.

Democrats In Disarray

Having lost control of the Senate and lacking a clear leader and message, the Democratic Party appears to be in disarray. What do you think?

Adventures In Babysitting

For me, unemployment's really not all that bad. I can easily fill the hours with my many hobbies: recording and watching my soaps, reading romance novels, and, of course, shopping! Well, more like window shopping these days, but I still manage to pick up a few small items here and there. For example, Pamida had a great sale on infants' onesies and sleepers, and I spent less than $10 overall!

Mom Tries To Appear Interested In Daughter's Documentary

BOISE, ID—Connie Barstow, 56, struggled Monday to appear interested in her 29-year-old daughter Andrea's just-completed independent documentary, Incident At Round Rock. "Is that you holding that microphone?" asked Barstow, watching her daughter's 94-minute investigation of a racially motivated 1996 beating in a small northern Idaho town. "I think I recognize that purple bracelet you always wear." Connie went on to state that Andrea has a lovely speaking voice and could have narrated the film herself.
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Report: Presidents Washington Through Bush May Have Lied About Key Matters

WASHINGTON, DC—In allegations likely to further erode Americans' faith in the office of the presidency, presidents George Washington through George W. Bush may have lied about key matters of national import during their tenures as chief executive, an independent-counsel investigation asserted Monday.

Implicated in the presidential-lying scandal are George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, Martin Van Buren, William Henry Harrison, John Tyler, James K. Polk, Zachary Taylor, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Johnson, Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James Garfield, Chester Arthur, Grover Cleveland, Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley, Theodore Roosevelt, William H. Taft, Woodrow Wilson, Warren Harding, Calvin Coolidge, Herbert Hoover, Franklin Roosevelt, Harry Truman, Dwight Eisenhower, John Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George Bush, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush.

The report states that the integrity of the presidency "may have been compromised by criminal misdirection, obstruction of justice, and deliberate clouding of the truth for political advantage and/or personal gain by as many as every president since the nation's inception."

While conventional wisdom holds that only two U.S. presidents, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton, have ever openly lied about anything, the report offers substantial evidence linking all 42 presidents to deliberate acts of deception and dishonesty. Among its assertions are that Thomas Jefferson lied about impregnating one of his slaves; Ulysses S. Grant deceived Congress regarding his role in the Whiskey Ring scandal; Ronald Reagan intentionally withheld key facts in the Iran-Contra Affair; Warren G. Harding told untruths during the Teapot Dome scandal; James K. Polk, Martin Van Buren, and Chester A. Arthur fibbed about the details of trade pacts; and Franklin Pierce was less than forthcoming regarding details of the Kansas-Nebraska Act.

"Shockingly, even William Henry Harrison, a president who was in office for a month and spent most of it on his deathbed, seems to have found time to lie during the famously lengthy inaugural address that would speed his demise," independent-counsel investigator James McManus said. "And so-called 'father of our country' George Washington is not exempt, either. A story familiar to any schoolchild tells us that, as a boy, Washington confessed to chopping down a cherry tree, saying, 'I cannot tell a lie.' Evidence suggests, however, that the entire tale may have been bogus from the start. This is doubly damning to the presidency's reputation, for it is not merely a lie, but a lie about not telling lies."

The report calls into question the integrity of the presidency at a particularly inopportune moment. Coming on the heels of alleged Bush Administration involvement in the Enron and WorldCom corporate scandals, as well as the "Monicagate" impeachment trial of former president Bill Clinton, the implication of every president in U.S. history will likely deepen the public's mistrust and further undermine the credibility of the nation's highest elected office.

"If these allegations turn out to be true, this country faces a crisis of confidence of unfathomable proportions," an anonymous Beltway insider said. "If the leader of the most powerful nation on Earth cannot be trusted to tell the truth, then who, in the name of God in heaven, can?"

Four of the 137 known presidential mistresses.

"We are shocked by these allegations," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said. "The president wishes to assure the public that he has never lied, and that every one of these accusations of lying—from the 18th century all the way to the 21st—will be thoroughly investigated and, we are confident, disproved."

Calling the report "just the tip of the iceberg," McManus said incidents of lying may plague the government at all levels.

"Every day, new evidence surfaces suggesting that this lying trend is more far-reaching than we ever imagined," McManus said. "It may well extend all the way to the offices of Vice-President, Speaker of the House, Secretary of State, Secretary of Defense, Secretary of the Treasury, White House Press Secretary, secretary to the White House Press Secretary, Senator, Representative, State Assemblyman, Governor, Lieutenant Governor, County Board Supervisor, Alderperson, Mayor, Assistant to the Mayor, City Councilperson, Assistant City Councilperson, Comptroller, Town Coroner, County Librarian, and County Clerk."

On Capitol Hill, the report prompted calls for a thorough investigation of each and every allegation, from the possibility of Bush-Cheney lies regarding Haliburton during the 2000 presidential campaign all the way back to alleged lies told by the John Adams Administration regarding the Huron Indians in 1798.

"The idea that presidents and other elected officials have violated the public trust by telling lies is disturbing and deeply disappointing," U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said. "We are adopting a 'zero tolerance' position regarding the telling of untruths on the part of any politician—past, present, or future—and we will not rest until each and every lie-teller has been punished to the fullest extent of the law."

Added Hatch: "You have my solemn word on that."

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