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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Report: Recent Wednesday Felt Like Thursday

NEW YORK—An informal study of U.S. citizens has revealed that a recent Wednesday, specifically November 29, was intuitively and subliminally perceived to be a Thursday by office workers, retail personnel, and any others who had occasion to give thought to the day of the week. "I don't know why, but it was a total Thursday kind of day," said Sue Seversen, an assistant program coordinator at Minnesota General Services who theorized that the change from daylight-saving time or the recent drop in temperature could be to blame. "All day I kept thinking that at least tomorrow would be Friday. But then I'd realize it wasn't. Too bad." Over 90 percent of those misperceiving the day also professed some degree of disbelief that Christmas was almost here.

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