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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Report: Recent Wednesday Felt Like Thursday

NEW YORK—An informal study of U.S. citizens has revealed that a recent Wednesday, specifically November 29, was intuitively and subliminally perceived to be a Thursday by office workers, retail personnel, and any others who had occasion to give thought to the day of the week. "I don't know why, but it was a total Thursday kind of day," said Sue Seversen, an assistant program coordinator at Minnesota General Services who theorized that the change from daylight-saving time or the recent drop in temperature could be to blame. "All day I kept thinking that at least tomorrow would be Friday. But then I'd realize it wasn't. Too bad." Over 90 percent of those misperceiving the day also professed some degree of disbelief that Christmas was almost here.

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