adBlockCheck

Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Red Meat Linked To Contentedly Patting Belly

WASHINGTON—Saying the effects were almost immediate and largely unavoidable, the National Institute of Food and Agriculture released a report Tuesday linking red meat to contentedly patting one’s belly. “Our data show a strong, statistically significant correlation between consuming servings of red meat and pushing back one’s chair, letting out a satisfied sigh, and gently patting or rubbing one’s abdomen with either one or both hands,” said lead researcher Elliott Hyde, who explained that eating cuts of beef, pork, or lamb was also found to cause acute sereneness and glazing-over of the eyes. “Subjects who ate steaks, burgers, roasts, or chops were also 80 percent more susceptible than non-meat-eaters to groaning happily at audible volumes, and were particularly at risk of uttering vocalizations that contained the phrases ‘Oh, yeah,’ ‘Mmm,’ and ‘That was good.’” The report further revealed that the consumption of processed meats, such as bacon and sausage, was linked to a 100 percent chance of seconds.


More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close