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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Report: Red Meat Linked To Contentedly Patting Belly

WASHINGTON—Saying the effects were almost immediate and largely unavoidable, the National Institute of Food and Agriculture released a report Tuesday linking red meat to contentedly patting one’s belly. “Our data show a strong, statistically significant correlation between consuming servings of red meat and pushing back one’s chair, letting out a satisfied sigh, and gently patting or rubbing one’s abdomen with either one or both hands,” said lead researcher Elliott Hyde, who explained that eating cuts of beef, pork, or lamb was also found to cause acute sereneness and glazing-over of the eyes. “Subjects who ate steaks, burgers, roasts, or chops were also 80 percent more susceptible than non-meat-eaters to groaning happily at audible volumes, and were particularly at risk of uttering vocalizations that contained the phrases ‘Oh, yeah,’ ‘Mmm,’ and ‘That was good.’” The report further revealed that the consumption of processed meats, such as bacon and sausage, was linked to a 100 percent chance of seconds.


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