adBlockCheck

Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Rich Suitors Able To Correctly Guess Beautiful Woman’s Dress Size 92% Of Time

NEW YORK—Finding a remarkable consistency in such individuals’ predictive ability, a report released Wednesday by Columbia University found that rich suitors are able to correctly guess a beautiful woman’s dress size 92 percent of the time. “Our research shows that in more than nine out of ten cases, wealthy admirers can accurately determine a woman’s measurements based on sight alone and have a perfectly fitted evening gown or cocktail dress tailored for them virtually overnight,” said lead researcher Alison Yu, adding that, almost without fail, these dashing gentlemen were able to not only select a dress that was just right for an elegant night at the opera or a black-tie gala, but also somehow manage to leave it as a surprise in an ornate box on the woman’s bed with a handwritten note to simply “Wear this tonight.” “Perhaps even more remarkably, the suitors can guess details right down to the color of the necklace that precisely complements the woman’s eyes when they clasp it around her neck from behind.” The report went on to say, however, that in the remaining 8 percent of cases, the size estimates were wildly inaccurate, and the women received bedsheet-sized dresses tailored for someone eight feet tall.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close