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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Report: Rich Suitors Able To Correctly Guess Beautiful Woman’s Dress Size 92% Of Time

NEW YORK—Finding a remarkable consistency in such individuals’ predictive ability, a report released Wednesday by Columbia University found that rich suitors are able to correctly guess a beautiful woman’s dress size 92 percent of the time. “Our research shows that in more than nine out of ten cases, wealthy admirers can accurately determine a woman’s measurements based on sight alone and have a perfectly fitted evening gown or cocktail dress tailored for them virtually overnight,” said lead researcher Alison Yu, adding that, almost without fail, these dashing gentlemen were able to not only select a dress that was just right for an elegant night at the opera or a black-tie gala, but also somehow manage to leave it as a surprise in an ornate box on the woman’s bed with a handwritten note to simply “Wear this tonight.” “Perhaps even more remarkably, the suitors can guess details right down to the color of the necklace that precisely complements the woman’s eyes when they clasp it around her neck from behind.” The report went on to say, however, that in the remaining 8 percent of cases, the size estimates were wildly inaccurate, and the women received bedsheet-sized dresses tailored for someone eight feet tall.

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