Report: Running To Factor Greatly In This Week’s Sports

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 46

Jack Palance Still Dead At 87

An alarming MRI shows that Peyton Manning has been dead for 6 months, the Mariana Trench is once again named the worst place to raise children, and a man smoking an e-cigarette must be a futuristic bounty hunter.

PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One

Sony and Microsoft are launching their hotly anticipated next-generation video gaming consoles this month, with the PlayStation 4 going on sale on Nov.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Report: Running To Factor Greatly In This Week’s Sports

LUBBOCK, TX—According to a report published Friday by the Texas Tech School of Health, Exercise, and Sports Science, every variation of running, from light jogs to full-out sprints, will factor heavily into the execution and outcomes of this week’s sports. “Our studies show that running in some variety or another will be required for nearly every athlete—both amateur and professional,” said Dr. Henry Chalmers, a lead researcher on the 14-month-long study. “Upper body strength, hand-eye coordination, and balance were a few of the other central factors we identified as important, but time after time we found that swift terrestrial locomotion will be prominent.” The study also revealed that, unfortunately, kicking was also a contributing factor in several sports, but researchers noted that those required running immediately before or after every kick.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More