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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Report: Running To Factor Greatly In This Week’s Sports

LUBBOCK, TX—According to a report published Friday by the Texas Tech School of Health, Exercise, and Sports Science, every variation of running, from light jogs to full-out sprints, will factor heavily into the execution and outcomes of this week’s sports. “Our studies show that running in some variety or another will be required for nearly every athlete—both amateur and professional,” said Dr. Henry Chalmers, a lead researcher on the 14-month-long study. “Upper body strength, hand-eye coordination, and balance were a few of the other central factors we identified as important, but time after time we found that swift terrestrial locomotion will be prominent.” The study also revealed that, unfortunately, kicking was also a contributing factor in several sports, but researchers noted that those required running immediately before or after every kick.

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