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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Report: Samantha's New Haircut Pretty Bad, But Don't Say Anything

COOKEVILLE, TN—According to a report from the Department of Health and Human Services, the haircut Cookeville resident Samantha Howard got Tuesday looks pretty terrible, but please don't say anything, because she's already a little insecure about it. "It's kind of choppy and lopsided, like one of those hairstyles they say is going to make you look young and cool, but Samantha just can't pull it off," HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said. "Her face is too round, for one thing. Please be advised to tell her it's fine and then change the subject." As of press time, Howard's haircut just needed to grow in a little, and Americans were being urged to support her decision to maybe wear it in a ponytail for now.

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