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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Report: Samantha's New Haircut Pretty Bad, But Don't Say Anything

COOKEVILLE, TN—According to a report from the Department of Health and Human Services, the haircut Cookeville resident Samantha Howard got Tuesday looks pretty terrible, but please don't say anything, because she's already a little insecure about it. "It's kind of choppy and lopsided, like one of those hairstyles they say is going to make you look young and cool, but Samantha just can't pull it off," HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said. "Her face is too round, for one thing. Please be advised to tell her it's fine and then change the subject." As of press time, Howard's haircut just needed to grow in a little, and Americans were being urged to support her decision to maybe wear it in a ponytail for now.

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