COOKEVILLE, TN—According to a report from the Department of Health and Human Services, the haircut Cookeville resident Samantha Howard got Tuesday looks pretty terrible, but please don't say anything, because she's already a little insecure about it. "It's kind of choppy and lopsided, like one of those hairstyles they say is going to make you look young and cool, but Samantha just can't pull it off," HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said. "Her face is too round, for one thing. Please be advised to tell her it's fine and then change the subject." As of press time, Howard's haircut just needed to grow in a little, and Americans were being urged to support her decision to maybe wear it in a ponytail for now.