adBlockCheck

Report: San Francisco To Shut Doors Over Rising Rent

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: San Francisco To Shut Doors Over Rising Rent

Popular Bay Area City Seeking New Location

Noting that they’ve barely been able to make rent the past few months, San Franciscans say they’ll likely have to relocate their city to the Sacramento area.
Noting that they’ve barely been able to make rent the past few months, San Franciscans say they’ll likely have to relocate their city to the Sacramento area.

SAN FRANCISCO—Saying that staying in its current location was no longer feasible, sources across San Francisco confirmed Thursday that the popular Northern California city would be shutting its doors at the end of the month due to rising rent.

Residents and business owners of the iconic West Coast metropolis, which has occupied the same peninsula for generations, told reporters that spiraling costs had reached such a level that remaining in its 47-square-mile waterfront space was simply beyond its means.

“The city’s in such a great area, but ultimately we just couldn’t find a way to make ends meet each month,” said San Francisco resident Jaime Gonzalez, speaking on behalf of the city’s 850,000 citizens, all of whom recently gave notice that they would be vacating the premises by July 1. “We’ve been here for so long, it’s hard to imagine this city anywhere else. But the reality is that we just aren’t making enough to justify what we pay to be here.”

“Unfortunately, we just can’t afford to keep San Francisco in San Francisco Bay,” Gonzalez added.

According to sources, the city’s rent has increased by more than 40 percent since 2010—including 16 percent in the past year alone—requiring San Francisco to set aside a greater share of its income each year until finally pricing it out of the Bay Area completely. While San Franciscans expressed their hope that the municipality could stay somewhere close by, they noted that rents have also risen sharply in the East Bay and that the costly Silicon Valley area was “completely out of their price range,” leaving the city with no choice but to look for a spot further inland.

“We’ve been here for so long, it’s hard to imagine this city anywhere else. But the reality is that we just aren’t making enough to justify what we pay to be here.”

Additionally, city representatives conceded that it has so far been a major challenge finding a new location with the same features they’ve always enjoyed at their current spot, including its desirable outdoor space, easy access by public transit, and impressive views.

“It would be great to end up somewhere with the same proximity to the ocean and mountains, but these days, finding anything on the coast that’s affordable is next to impossible,” said bike messenger and community member Mia Khoo, noting that the city had already considered Oakland, Palo Alto, and San Jose, but was unable to locate anything it liked that was also within its budget. “The Central Valley is a little more reasonable, though I’m not sure how we’re going to move such a large Chinatown all the way out there, not to mention the Golden Gate Bridge.”

“Chances are we’ll have to leave those behind,” Khoo added.

With the municipality’s departure imminent, San Franciscans have reportedly begun the task of preparing for the move by calling to disconnect the city’s electric and water service from the local San Francisco Public Utilities Commission and beginning to pack up the city’s many cable cars.

“This place isn’t perfect by any means, but San Francisco has been a fixture in this area for years, so the thought of leaving has been really tough,” said Gonzalez, noting that anyone who wanted to stop by San Francisco’s original location should do so in the next three weeks before it closes for good. “The bottom line is that we have to move out if we want to keep our heads above water. Sure, our new San Francisco location might not look as nice or have the same character and charm of this place, but that’s the trade-off we have to make if we want a space we can afford.”

“Besides,” he added, “for what we’re paying here, we can probably get a place that’s newer and way less cramped.”

At press time, a piece of paper reading “Thank You For 239 Great Years!” had been taped up on each of San Francisco’s city limits signs.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close