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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Report: Saying ‘Smells Okay’ Precedes 85% Of Foodborne Illnesses Annually

ATLANTA—Presenting research with significant implications for public health, a report published Wednesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed that saying the phrase “smells okay” precedes 85 percent of foodborne illnesses in the United States annually. “We analyzed data from thousands of cases involving food-related ailments over the last decade and concluded that most individuals had given a quick once-over to leftovers and uttered some variation of ‘probably still good’ before spending the next several hours suffering intense stomach pain and vomiting,” said Dr. Robert Husted, director of the CDC’s Division of Foodborne, Waterborne, and Environmental Diseases, adding that cases of E. coli and botulism had been directly linked to individuals observing that the contaminated food “hasn’t been sitting out for that long.” “In addition, determining that grayish chicken Alfredo simply needed to be stirred or that an improperly covered week-old meatloaf would be fine once an outer layer was cut off almost tripled the chances of contracting salmonella.” The report also confirmed that thousands of Americans across the country are infected with a foodborne illness every year shortly after being asked by a friend or family member to “try this.”

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