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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Report: Saying ‘Smells Okay’ Precedes 85% Of Foodborne Illnesses Annually

ATLANTA—Presenting research with significant implications for public health, a report published Wednesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed that saying the phrase “smells okay” precedes 85 percent of foodborne illnesses in the United States annually. “We analyzed data from thousands of cases involving food-related ailments over the last decade and concluded that most individuals had given a quick once-over to leftovers and uttered some variation of ‘probably still good’ before spending the next several hours suffering intense stomach pain and vomiting,” said Dr. Robert Husted, director of the CDC’s Division of Foodborne, Waterborne, and Environmental Diseases, adding that cases of E. coli and botulism had been directly linked to individuals observing that the contaminated food “hasn’t been sitting out for that long.” “In addition, determining that grayish chicken Alfredo simply needed to be stirred or that an improperly covered week-old meatloaf would be fine once an outer layer was cut off almost tripled the chances of contracting salmonella.” The report also confirmed that thousands of Americans across the country are infected with a foodborne illness every year shortly after being asked by a friend or family member to “try this.”

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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