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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Report: Saying ‘Smells Okay’ Precedes 85% Of Foodborne Illnesses Annually

ATLANTA—Presenting research with significant implications for public health, a report published Wednesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed that saying the phrase “smells okay” precedes 85 percent of foodborne illnesses in the United States annually. “We analyzed data from thousands of cases involving food-related ailments over the last decade and concluded that most individuals had given a quick once-over to leftovers and uttered some variation of ‘probably still good’ before spending the next several hours suffering intense stomach pain and vomiting,” said Dr. Robert Husted, director of the CDC’s Division of Foodborne, Waterborne, and Environmental Diseases, adding that cases of E. coli and botulism had been directly linked to individuals observing that the contaminated food “hasn’t been sitting out for that long.” “In addition, determining that grayish chicken Alfredo simply needed to be stirred or that an improperly covered week-old meatloaf would be fine once an outer layer was cut off almost tripled the chances of contracting salmonella.” The report also confirmed that thousands of Americans across the country are infected with a foodborne illness every year shortly after being asked by a friend or family member to “try this.”

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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

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