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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Report: Seasonal Depression Still Better Than Purchasing Tiny Sunshine Lamp

WASHINGTON—According to a new report published Monday by the National Institutes of Health, the mental duress of seasonal affective disorder is still substantially preferable to actually going out and buying a little indoor sunshine lamp. “In controlled studies, the embarrassment of flagging down a Brookstone clerk and uttering the words ‘I’d like a Nature Bright lamp’ far outweighed the emotional toll of wintertime blues, even before factoring in the awkwardness of repeatedly having to explain the glaring rectangle to houseguests,” read the report, which also found that experiencing brief periods of seasonal depression pales in comparison to the onerous task of dragging a desk lamp from room to room six months out of the year. “In fact, a majority of people said they’d gladly take some extra anxiety or sleep problems if it meant never having to convince themselves that $100 for a bunch of multicolored LED lights was a good investment.” The report concluded by reminding all sufferers of seasonal depression that while they might feel sad sometimes, at least they don’t have to pretend Sky Effect™ technology is a real thing.

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