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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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Report: Shame Of Walking Out Without Buying Anything Drives 90% Of Purchases At Small Businesses

ATHENS, GA—Citing it as one of the leading factors influencing consumer behavior across the country, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Georgia found that nine of every 10 purchases from small businesses are driven by a customer’s shame at exiting the store without buying anything. “According to our research, 90 percent of all transactions at independently owned shops throughout the nation—be they bakeries, used bookstores, or one of those places that just sells unusual gifts and knickknacks—are motivated solely by intense pangs of guilt experienced after making eye contact with the owner and realizing you’ll have to walk past her at the register before you leave,” said the report’s lead author Emily Mosse, who confirmed that such purchases are typically initiated after the customer notices how every shelf is fully stocked and then realizes that he or she is the only other person in the establishment. “We found that most individuals who walked into a family-owned store with no intention of buying anything were quick to feel an incredible sense of sadness and pity upon seeing the clerk’s smiling face or the handwritten price tags on nearly every item, prompting the majority of them to pick out a minimally priced item such as a candle or at least a tin of mints at the cash register solely to mitigate their remorse.” Mosse added that nearly all individuals documented in the report admitted to then experiencing feelings of annoyance at having wasted money on some bullshit thing they could have gotten at a far better price anywhere else.

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