‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.
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Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night. “Aw goddamnit,” said the 35-year-old, adding that he must be a total moron given that trash night happens every Wednesday and that he’s lived in his house seven years. “Now my garbage is just gonna pile up for a whole fucking week. Son of a bitch. I mean, Jesus Christ—what was I thinking?” At press time, Peters had taken some small consolation in the fact he could probably sneak some of the trash into the recycling bin, which will get picked up tomorrow.

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