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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Report: Sidney Crosby Dead Of Intracranial Bleeding, Will Start Against Flyers

PITTSBURGH—According to a report released by the Pittsburgh Penguins organization Monday, star forward Sidney Crosby, who suffered a severe concussion last January, fatally succumbed to intracranial complications Monday at the age of 23 and is expected to make his first start in nearly three months tonight against the Philadelphia Flyers. "Late last night Sidney experienced a severe brain hemorrhage and was rushed to University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, where doctors were unable to revive him and he was pronounced dead at 6:30 a.m.,"† Penguins owner Mario Lemieux said in a statement. "We're really looking forward to seeing 'Sid The Kid' back out there on the ice where he belongs, leading this team into the playoffs. It's a hockey night in Pittsburgh!" Crosby is survived by his parents Troy and Trina and a younger sister Taylor, and, according to head coach Dan Bylsma, should get 18 to 20 minutes of ice time tonight depending on how he feels.

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