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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Report: Sidney Crosby Dead Of Intracranial Bleeding, Will Start Against Flyers

PITTSBURGH—According to a report released by the Pittsburgh Penguins organization Monday, star forward Sidney Crosby, who suffered a severe concussion last January, fatally succumbed to intracranial complications Monday at the age of 23 and is expected to make his first start in nearly three months tonight against the Philadelphia Flyers. "Late last night Sidney experienced a severe brain hemorrhage and was rushed to University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, where doctors were unable to revive him and he was pronounced dead at 6:30 a.m.,"† Penguins owner Mario Lemieux said in a statement. "We're really looking forward to seeing 'Sid The Kid' back out there on the ice where he belongs, leading this team into the playoffs. It's a hockey night in Pittsburgh!" Crosby is survived by his parents Troy and Trina and a younger sister Taylor, and, according to head coach Dan Bylsma, should get 18 to 20 minutes of ice time tonight depending on how he feels.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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