Report: Some People Live In Pennsylvania

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Report: Some People Live In Pennsylvania

ALBANY, NY—According to the results of a comprehensive, year-long study published Tuesday, researchers have confirmed that there are some people who live in Pennsylvania. “A careful examination of the evidence we collected has led us to conclude that certain people—some male, some female—make their home in the state of Pennsylvania,” said the report’s lead author, Ryan Armstrong, noting that such individuals may be adults or children, and may reside in northern Pennsylvania, southern Pennsylvania, eastern Pennsylvania, or western Pennsylvania. “When directly asked where they live, many people we spoke with told us Pennsylvania. However, there were others who, when asked the same question, named completely different places, such as Ohio, New Hampshire, or Buffalo. This would seem to indicate that while some people do indeed live in Pennsylvania, not everyone lives in Pennsylvania.” Researchers added that if actor Tom Hanks were to purchase a home in Pennsylvania and move into that home, then Tom Hanks would be someone who lives in Pennsylvania, but this is currently not the case.