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Report: Some People Live In Pennsylvania

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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Report: Some People Live In Pennsylvania

ALBANY, NY—According to the results of a comprehensive, year-long study published Tuesday, researchers have confirmed that there are some people who live in Pennsylvania. “A careful examination of the evidence we collected has led us to conclude that certain people—some male, some female—make their home in the state of Pennsylvania,” said the report’s lead author, Ryan Armstrong, noting that such individuals may be adults or children, and may reside in northern Pennsylvania, southern Pennsylvania, eastern Pennsylvania, or western Pennsylvania. “When directly asked where they live, many people we spoke with told us Pennsylvania. However, there were others who, when asked the same question, named completely different places, such as Ohio, New Hampshire, or Buffalo. This would seem to indicate that while some people do indeed live in Pennsylvania, not everyone lives in Pennsylvania.” Researchers added that if actor Tom Hanks were to purchase a home in Pennsylvania and move into that home, then Tom Hanks would be someone who lives in Pennsylvania, but this is currently not the case.

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