adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Some People Wake Up When It’s Still Dark Outside

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Labor Department, some people evidently get up when it is still dark outside and, rather than immediately going back to sleep, actually opt to start their days at this time. "As strange as it sounds, we found that a not insignificant number of people wake up before the sun has risen and then, amazingly, engage in a variety of activities," department spokesperson Laura Rittenberg said of the report, based on a survey of 1,000 American households. "These people will actually do things such as go jogging or read newspapers, and in some cases, they will even wake up, shower, and head directly into work, only to return home after it's dark outside again—yeah, it's super weird." The report also suggests that some people may in fact work all night and then go to sleep when the sun is coming up, though most experts have dismissed this notion as far too outlandish.

More from this section

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close