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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: Some People Wake Up When It’s Still Dark Outside

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Labor Department, some people evidently get up when it is still dark outside and, rather than immediately going back to sleep, actually opt to start their days at this time. "As strange as it sounds, we found that a not insignificant number of people wake up before the sun has risen and then, amazingly, engage in a variety of activities," department spokesperson Laura Rittenberg said of the report, based on a survey of 1,000 American households. "These people will actually do things such as go jogging or read newspapers, and in some cases, they will even wake up, shower, and head directly into work, only to return home after it's dark outside again—yeah, it's super weird." The report also suggests that some people may in fact work all night and then go to sleep when the sun is coming up, though most experts have dismissed this notion as far too outlandish.

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