adBlockCheck

Report: Some People Wake Up When It’s Still Dark Outside

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Report: Some People Wake Up When It’s Still Dark Outside

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Labor Department, some people evidently get up when it is still dark outside and, rather than immediately going back to sleep, actually opt to start their days at this time. "As strange as it sounds, we found that a not insignificant number of people wake up before the sun has risen and then, amazingly, engage in a variety of activities," department spokesperson Laura Rittenberg said of the report, based on a survey of 1,000 American households. "These people will actually do things such as go jogging or read newspapers, and in some cases, they will even wake up, shower, and head directly into work, only to return home after it's dark outside again—yeah, it's super weird." The report also suggests that some people may in fact work all night and then go to sleep when the sun is coming up, though most experts have dismissed this notion as far too outlandish.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close