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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Report: Some People Wake Up When It’s Still Dark Outside

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Labor Department, some people evidently get up when it is still dark outside and, rather than immediately going back to sleep, actually opt to start their days at this time. "As strange as it sounds, we found that a not insignificant number of people wake up before the sun has risen and then, amazingly, engage in a variety of activities," department spokesperson Laura Rittenberg said of the report, based on a survey of 1,000 American households. "These people will actually do things such as go jogging or read newspapers, and in some cases, they will even wake up, shower, and head directly into work, only to return home after it's dark outside again—yeah, it's super weird." The report also suggests that some people may in fact work all night and then go to sleep when the sun is coming up, though most experts have dismissed this notion as far too outlandish.

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