‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Report: Some Shithead Out There Makes So Much More Money Than You

ATLANTA—Saying you’d feel sick to your stomach if you knew how big the difference was, some shithead out there makes so much more money than you do, sources reported Wednesday. In addition to earning your annual salary in a single month, the goddamn sonofabitch reportedly works half as many hours per week, all without having to deal with your fucking boss. That asshole, according to other accounts, is also likely much younger than you and is probably going to retire before he turns 40 while you’ll be humping to the office for the rest of your sorry fucking life. At press time, sources had confirmed that fucking guy is actually a pretty decent person, which makes him twice the shithead you thought he was to begin with.

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