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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Report: Some Small Town Enjoying Last Days Of Anonymity Before Harrowing Tragedy

SOME SLEEPY LITTLE TOWN IN THE MIDWEST SOMEWHERE—Waking this morning without fresh memories of pain and suffering, national media attention, or ongoing services in memory of the victims, some no-name little American town is currently enjoying its last precious moments of anonymity before experiencing a devastating and unimaginable tragedy, sources confirmed today. “Hi, how are you guys?” a smiling local man reportedly remarked to a pair of neighbors as he walked to his job this morning, completely unaware that in a short matter of days, the tear-streaked faces of everyone he knows and works with will appear on television screens across the county in the aftermath of a senseless act of violence, most likely a shooting, or a kidnapping, or a home invasion, or an act of domestic terror, or something else too wrenching and awful to even describe. “That’s good. You guys have a good one, all right?” At press time, we should all just let them enjoy it, these last few moments of innocence and serenity, before it’s all gone, all of it, lost forever in a sea of evil and grief.

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