Report: Some Small Town Enjoying Last Days Of Anonymity Before Harrowing Tragedy

Top Headlines

Recent News

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Some Small Town Enjoying Last Days Of Anonymity Before Harrowing Tragedy

SOME SLEEPY LITTLE TOWN IN THE MIDWEST SOMEWHERE—Waking this morning without fresh memories of pain and suffering, national media attention, or ongoing services in memory of the victims, some no-name little American town is currently enjoying its last precious moments of anonymity before experiencing a devastating and unimaginable tragedy, sources confirmed today. “Hi, how are you guys?” a smiling local man reportedly remarked to a pair of neighbors as he walked to his job this morning, completely unaware that in a short matter of days, the tear-streaked faces of everyone he knows and works with will appear on television screens across the county in the aftermath of a senseless act of violence, most likely a shooting, or a kidnapping, or a home invasion, or an act of domestic terror, or something else too wrenching and awful to even describe. “That’s good. You guys have a good one, all right?” At press time, we should all just let them enjoy it, these last few moments of innocence and serenity, before it’s all gone, all of it, lost forever in a sea of evil and grief.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close