adBlockCheck

Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Some Sort Of Primary Just Happened

OLYMPIA, WA—A primary election of some sort is believed to have occurred in the past week or two in cities and counties across the nation, according to a report published by a citizens advocacy group.

Although the report stopped short of affirming the claim, the Fair Election Advocacy Council believes that local political offices as diverse as mayor, city councilman, district attorney, and perhaps a judgeship or two may have been contested.

"There may have even been a couple state and local referendums here and there," said FEAC spokesperson Jonathan Repstad. "No one really knows for sure."

The report mirrors the dawning suspicion many eligible American voters had in recent days that they missed an election of some kind.

"Am I crazy, or was there an election or something not too long ago?" said Olympia, WA resident Rochelle Fleischman, who recalled receiving a multilingual "yellow thing" in the mail several weeks ago that may have been an election-related notice. She promptly discarded it with other junk mail.

The FEAC investigation points to this summer's proliferation of red, white, and blue-colored brochures with photographs of middle-aged men and women with awkward, forced smiles. A handful of cardstock yard signs were also reported in various parts of the country. In Cincinnati, assistant restaurant manager Mark Earnshaw noted a sign alleging that City Councilman Valerie Rittenhouse "worked for him."

"The sign didn't say anything else," Earnshaw said. "I figured she was just letting voters know that she was working for them."

Recent TV ads with "guys in neckties saying things to guys in hardhats" have added to the growing suspicion.

Annapolis, MD's David Sandoval said he believes he may have actually met one of these primary candidates at his local farmer's market in August. Recalling a short, balding man in shirtsleeves and thick glasses, Sandoval said, "I shook hands with him briefly, then promptly put him out of my mind."

Unconfirmed evidence of a possible election, found beside a garbage can in Brooklyn, NY.

"He said something like, 'Hi, I'm so-and-so, and I'm running for such-and-such in district whatever,'" Sandoval said. "It was a little weird, since, to my knowledge, this is not an election year."

If elections indeed occurred, no offices appear to have changed hands. According to the FEAC report, the U.S. president, state governors, and congressional representatives are still in office, and many of the local incumbents who were supposedly running for re-election still occupy their seats. The FEAC speculates that some may have lost to members of their own party, but will remain in office for the duration of their terms.

"I thought our mayor must have lost some election, because I caught what looked like his concession speech on TV for a sec before switching to Leno," said Allegheny County, PA resident Jennifer Casagrande. "But then he was on the news a couple days later talking about some bill."

Added Casagrande: "I don't get the elections for judges, either. Don't judges get appointed by someone?"

The FEAC's Repstad said that the organization contacted a man believed to have been a candidate for New York City mayor to ask him if a primary had taken place. His "highly cryptic" response only served to raise new questions.

"I have no comment, other than to say that I congratulate Fernando Ferrer once again and that he has my full and unwavering support," said the man identified by the FEAC as Anthony Weiner.

The FEAC was ultimately unable to reach a definitive conclusion.

"At this point, we have two working theories," Repstad said. "Either no elections took place and no one was elected, or there were some elections, but they just weren't that important."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close