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Report: Some Sort Of Primary Just Happened

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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Report: Some Sort Of Primary Just Happened

OLYMPIA, WA—A primary election of some sort is believed to have occurred in the past week or two in cities and counties across the nation, according to a report published by a citizens advocacy group.

Although the report stopped short of affirming the claim, the Fair Election Advocacy Council believes that local political offices as diverse as mayor, city councilman, district attorney, and perhaps a judgeship or two may have been contested.

"There may have even been a couple state and local referendums here and there," said FEAC spokesperson Jonathan Repstad. "No one really knows for sure."

The report mirrors the dawning suspicion many eligible American voters had in recent days that they missed an election of some kind.

"Am I crazy, or was there an election or something not too long ago?" said Olympia, WA resident Rochelle Fleischman, who recalled receiving a multilingual "yellow thing" in the mail several weeks ago that may have been an election-related notice. She promptly discarded it with other junk mail.

The FEAC investigation points to this summer's proliferation of red, white, and blue-colored brochures with photographs of middle-aged men and women with awkward, forced smiles. A handful of cardstock yard signs were also reported in various parts of the country. In Cincinnati, assistant restaurant manager Mark Earnshaw noted a sign alleging that City Councilman Valerie Rittenhouse "worked for him."

"The sign didn't say anything else," Earnshaw said. "I figured she was just letting voters know that she was working for them."

Recent TV ads with "guys in neckties saying things to guys in hardhats" have added to the growing suspicion.

Annapolis, MD's David Sandoval said he believes he may have actually met one of these primary candidates at his local farmer's market in August. Recalling a short, balding man in shirtsleeves and thick glasses, Sandoval said, "I shook hands with him briefly, then promptly put him out of my mind."

Unconfirmed evidence of a possible election, found beside a garbage can in Brooklyn, NY.

"He said something like, 'Hi, I'm so-and-so, and I'm running for such-and-such in district whatever,'" Sandoval said. "It was a little weird, since, to my knowledge, this is not an election year."

If elections indeed occurred, no offices appear to have changed hands. According to the FEAC report, the U.S. president, state governors, and congressional representatives are still in office, and many of the local incumbents who were supposedly running for re-election still occupy their seats. The FEAC speculates that some may have lost to members of their own party, but will remain in office for the duration of their terms.

"I thought our mayor must have lost some election, because I caught what looked like his concession speech on TV for a sec before switching to Leno," said Allegheny County, PA resident Jennifer Casagrande. "But then he was on the news a couple days later talking about some bill."

Added Casagrande: "I don't get the elections for judges, either. Don't judges get appointed by someone?"

The FEAC's Repstad said that the organization contacted a man believed to have been a candidate for New York City mayor to ask him if a primary had taken place. His "highly cryptic" response only served to raise new questions.

"I have no comment, other than to say that I congratulate Fernando Ferrer once again and that he has my full and unwavering support," said the man identified by the FEAC as Anthony Weiner.

The FEAC was ultimately unable to reach a definitive conclusion.

"At this point, we have two working theories," Repstad said. "Either no elections took place and no one was elected, or there were some elections, but they just weren't that important."

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