adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing. “Seriously, someone better take these things from Ashcraft—he just can’t help himself,” read the report in part, which went on to describe the man, who spent much of the evening standing beside the snack table, as “bad” and “so bad” for continuing to consume the snack after repeatedly stating he should stop. “These things are going to be all gone if somebody doesn’t grab the bowl out of his hand right now. For real, don’t leave them near him, or he might just eat every one of them himself, that’s how good they are. Okay, last one!” The report went on to speculate that the chips and dip must contain crack cocaine.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close