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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Report: Someone Probably Masturbating To This Stock Photo Right Now

WASHINGTON—According to a report published today by the Pew Research Center, there is most likely someone out there, at this very moment, masturbating to the stock photograph shown above. “Statistically speaking, it is highly probable that at present there is at least one hunched-over person touching him or herself while viewing this stock image,” the report read in part, citing current levels of web traffic, the frequency with which the average human being masturbates, and the variability of human nature and sexual proclivities, to draw its conclusion regarding the above photo licensed from Getty Images. “In all likelihood, the individual in question was simply browsing this site, reached this page, found its image sexually arousing, and has now commenced genital stimulation.” The report went on to state that there is nothing anybody can do about it.

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