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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
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Report: Someone Probably Masturbating To This Stock Photo Right Now

WASHINGTON—According to a report published today by the Pew Research Center, there is most likely someone out there, at this very moment, masturbating to the stock photograph shown above. “Statistically speaking, it is highly probable that at present there is at least one hunched-over person touching him or herself while viewing this stock image,” the report read in part, citing current levels of web traffic, the frequency with which the average human being masturbates, and the variability of human nature and sexual proclivities, to draw its conclusion regarding the above photo licensed from Getty Images. “In all likelihood, the individual in question was simply browsing this site, reached this page, found its image sexually arousing, and has now commenced genital stimulation.” The report went on to state that there is nothing anybody can do about it.

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