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Report: Someone Probably Masturbating To This Stock Photo Right Now

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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Report: Someone Probably Masturbating To This Stock Photo Right Now

WASHINGTON—According to a report published today by the Pew Research Center, there is most likely someone out there, at this very moment, masturbating to the stock photograph shown above. “Statistically speaking, it is highly probable that at present there is at least one hunched-over person touching him or herself while viewing this stock image,” the report read in part, citing current levels of web traffic, the frequency with which the average human being masturbates, and the variability of human nature and sexual proclivities, to draw its conclusion regarding the above photo licensed from Getty Images. “In all likelihood, the individual in question was simply browsing this site, reached this page, found its image sexually arousing, and has now commenced genital stimulation.” The report went on to state that there is nothing anybody can do about it.

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