Report: 'Sorry' No Longer Cutting It

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Vol 40 Issue 06

That Guy From That One Show In Rehab

GLENDALE, CA—According to nurses at the Rosewater Rehabilitation Clinic, that guy who used to play the fat guy on that one show was admitted Monday for treatment of alcohol abuse and depression. "He looked exactly like he did on that one show, except a bit older and fatter," nurse Christina Prenz told reporters. "I asked him to do that thing he always used to do, but he just stared at me. Then he started crying." Prenz added that, during their group therapy session, she plans to ask him why the show was cancelled.

Household Death Toll Climbs To One

NEW HAVEN, CT—Police announced Monday that the accidental death of 68-year-old Joseph Lang increased the death toll at 320 E. Oak St. to a staggering one. "We retrieved Mr. Lang's body from his bathtub, where it appears he slipped and hit his head," police officer Chris Ramsey said. "Although we don't expect to find any additional victims, we're continuing our 48-hour search of the two-story home, just in case." Lang is survived by his wife Helen, who still resides in the deathtrap.

New Co-Op Airline Offers Cheaper Fares If You Help Fly The Plane

SAN FRANCISCO—GreenWay Airlines, a new low-cost, cooperative airline, offers inexpensive fares to passengers who assist with the flight, an airline spokesman said Monday. "Unlike pricey corporate airlines, GreenWay is run by and for the people," said Brad Olson, a member of the GreenWay elected board. "But, in order to keep our ticket prices low, everyone who wants to fly with us needs to pitch in and help us navigate and maintain the aircraft. All positions, from baggage handler to pilot, will be filled by volunteers who sign up for four-hour shifts." GreenWay will begin taking reservations for daily flights between San Francisco and Austin, TX, as soon as someone can figure out how to use the booking software.

Majority Of Americans Thought We Already Had A Moon Base

WASHINGTON, DC—A NASA poll conducted to gauge support for President Bush's space-exploration initiative revealed that a depressing 57 percent of Americans believe that the U.S. already has a research base on the moon. "We put that international space-station thing up there in the '60s," phone-poll respondent Randy Snow said. "It might be on Mars, but I think it's the moon—wherever they have the golf course that President Kennedy played on. Remember, the Cubans tried to take it over?" NASA officials said they hope someday to make Americans' perception a reality.

Radicals, Extremists Vie For Control Of Iran

TEHRAN—As the Feb. 20 parliamentary election approaches, hard-line conservative religious radicals and fundamentalist Islamic extremists are stepping up their disparate campaigns. "It's up to the people: Does the future of Iran lie in the hands of the far-right extremists or the far-far-right radicals?" said Ayatollah Ahmad Jannati, head of the hard-line Guardian Council that recently banned thousands of moderate candidates from the election. "Will the old-school clerics win, or is the country ready for a new stripe of fundamentalists who will take authoritarianism in an entirely different direction?" Jannati urged all of Iran's citizens to get out and make their votes count.

Gay Marriage

Last week, the Massachusetts high court sanctioned same-sex marriages in that state. What do you think?
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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Report: 'Sorry' No Longer Cutting It

PHILADELPHIA—According to a report released by a privately funded think tank Monday, "sorry" just isn't cutting it anymore.

Dwyer tells assembled reporters that if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a'hoppin'.

"Our findings indicate that people have had it with all of the excuses and apologies," said Kyle Dwyer, spokesperson for the Akimbo Institute, which analyzes admonishment-related issues. "In fact, the majority of respondents stated that the level to which they've had it is up to here."

Of the 2,400 subjects polled, 83 percent claimed that "sorry" just doesn't do it anymore, and 79 percent of those agreed that no amount of begging, pleading, or apologizing is going to change that.

The figure shows a dramatic rise from 1998, when 47 percent of poll respondents stated that sorry was a good enough response, if accompanied by a promise to try harder next time.

"In previous studies, we found that those who failed to measure up could often cut it by saying sorry," Dwyer said. "But today, the consensus seems to be, 'Stop faking it and start making it.'"

Researchers polled a wide range of authority figures, including irate moms, fast-food restaurant managers, and high-school gym teachers. The resounding majority of participants refused to accept such excuses as "I overslept," "I thought it was tomorrow," and "I just assumed."

"Respondents had particularly strong reactions to that last excuse," Dwyer said. "A remarkable 78 percent said that one should not assume, because when you assume, it makes an ass of you and me."

Dwyer said there were a number of possible explanations for the failure of sorry to cut it. Chief among these is the fact that a growing number of authority figures were not born yesterday.

"These individuals have seen what sorry has done to improve situations," Dwyer said. "Jack squat."

Dwyer added: "The consensus seems to be that actions speak louder than words, and that good intentions are the stones with which the road to hell is paved."

The respondents said the offenders must improve upon their past performances, or else. When pressed to expand upon "or else," respondents spoke of boom-lowering, music-facing, and other-shoe dropping.

"To avoid 'or else,' the misters, missies, and busters must demonstrate a higher commitment to discipline," Dwyer said. "Feet have been put down on this point."

The report revealed that the assorted apologies, excuses, and delay tactics have resulted in both lost productivity and lost income.

"More than 70 percent of the respondents told us that, if they had a dollar for every time they have heard the word 'sorry,' they would be rich," Dwyer said. "If you consider the fact that they have heard this word over the course of many years, you see that, indeed, the total number of dollars would be very large."

Authority figures applauded the findings.

"It's about time you folks woke up and smelled the coffee," Spring Green, WI, packaging-plant manager Bert Seiffert said. "'Sorry' has never cut the mustard with me. That's what I said to that slacker Oppley when he came in five minutes late for the third time this week. I said, 'Sorry is a pretty sorry excuse, if you ask me,' and I docked him for an hour's pay. He said, 'Hey, Bert, that's not fair.' 'Hey is for horses,' I said."

One mister, who requested anonymity, condemned the study results.

"I am honestly trying to shape up, but still they want me to ship out," the mister said. "It isn't fair. It wasn't even my fault."

Veteran buster Wayne Koestler, 16, scoffed at the report.

"I gotta start cutting it 'or else'?" he said. "Who's gonna make me?"

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