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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Report: Standing At Work Can Increase Coworkers’ Disdain Up To 70%

GAINESVILLE, FL—According to a comprehensive 18-month study released Friday, researchers at the University of Florida have determined that standing for the duration of the workday can increase coworkers’ disdain by as much as 70 percent. “By simply switching from a traditional desk to a standing desk, we found that individuals experienced much longer and fuller looks of silent loathing from their colleagues,” said lead author Dr. Greg Darren, who confirmed that the more time subjects spent working on their feet, the greater the feelings of annoyance, scorn, and simmering contempt directed at them. “What’s most impressive is that the effects are apparent almost immediately—even just standing at one’s desk for a single afternoon resulted in a 25 percent increase in others’ feelings of derision. Over time, we found that this behavioral change can even lead to lifelong resentment in colleagues.” The study noted that in order to achieve the same level of disdain from standing at a desk, an individual would have to spend a full hour each day explaining his or her intensive workout regimen to colleagues.

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