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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Report: Stating Current Year Still Leading Argument For Social Reform

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Brookings Institution, the single most effective argument in favor of social reform continues to be indignantly saying aloud what the current year is. “When it comes to making a case for reordering the social order, we’ve failed to find any rhetorical strategy more effective or compelling than saying ‘It’s 2014!’ and asking why societal change hasn’t occurred,” said policy analyst Brad Katz, adding that the argument was even more powerful when immediately followed with the phrases “I mean, come on!” or “for crying out loud!” “Furthermore, we found that all social progress throughout our history—including abolition, women’s suffrage, and the entire gay rights movement—can be credited to stating the current year, claiming you don’t know what year defenders of the status quo are living in, and reminding them that if they happened to look at a calendar, they would notice that the year you stated is the current year.” However, the report noted that Americans have recently seen a sharp decline in the effectiveness of stating what country this is.

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