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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Report: Stating Current Year Still Leading Argument For Social Reform

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Brookings Institution, the single most effective argument in favor of social reform continues to be indignantly saying aloud what the current year is. “When it comes to making a case for reordering the social order, we’ve failed to find any rhetorical strategy more effective or compelling than saying ‘It’s 2014!’ and asking why societal change hasn’t occurred,” said policy analyst Brad Katz, adding that the argument was even more powerful when immediately followed with the phrases “I mean, come on!” or “for crying out loud!” “Furthermore, we found that all social progress throughout our history—including abolition, women’s suffrage, and the entire gay rights movement—can be credited to stating the current year, claiming you don’t know what year defenders of the status quo are living in, and reminding them that if they happened to look at a calendar, they would notice that the year you stated is the current year.” However, the report noted that Americans have recently seen a sharp decline in the effectiveness of stating what country this is.

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