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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Report: Still Hasn't Been Long Enough To Open Restaurant Called Bin Laden's

A restaurant like this probably won’t be opened for at least another decade.
A restaurant like this probably won’t be opened for at least another decade.

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, though more than a decade has passed since the events of 9/11, it has still not been nearly long enough to open a restaurant called Bin Laden’s. “Our research confirms that it is far too soon for a prospective restaurateur or franchise operator to open a September 11–themed restaurant named after deceased international terrorist and al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden,” read the report, which added that the attack on the World Trade Center by Islamist militants is still too fresh in people’s minds for them to comfortably order a pancake menu item called The Twin Tower Double Stack, an Osama Burger, or the Flight 93-Alarm Chili. “There will be a time in the future when Americans will be ready to take their whole family out to Bin Laden’s and grab a table in the middle of the Ground Zero dining area, but that time isn’t now. So, if you’re thinking about opening a restaurant called Bin Laden’s, you’ll have to wait.” The report concluded that, based on the success of the McVeigh’s franchise, the popular Oklahoma City bombing–themed restaurant chain made famous for their Fertilizer Bomb Cheese Fries, the nation probably needs another six years or so.

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