adBlockCheck

Report: Still Hasn't Been Long Enough To Open Restaurant Called Bin Laden's

Top Headlines

Recent News

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Still Hasn't Been Long Enough To Open Restaurant Called Bin Laden's

A restaurant like this probably won’t be opened for at least another decade.
A restaurant like this probably won’t be opened for at least another decade.

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, though more than a decade has passed since the events of 9/11, it has still not been nearly long enough to open a restaurant called Bin Laden’s. “Our research confirms that it is far too soon for a prospective restaurateur or franchise operator to open a September 11–themed restaurant named after deceased international terrorist and al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden,” read the report, which added that the attack on the World Trade Center by Islamist militants is still too fresh in people’s minds for them to comfortably order a pancake menu item called The Twin Tower Double Stack, an Osama Burger, or the Flight 93-Alarm Chili. “There will be a time in the future when Americans will be ready to take their whole family out to Bin Laden’s and grab a table in the middle of the Ground Zero dining area, but that time isn’t now. So, if you’re thinking about opening a restaurant called Bin Laden’s, you’ll have to wait.” The report concluded that, based on the success of the McVeigh’s franchise, the popular Oklahoma City bombing–themed restaurant chain made famous for their Fertilizer Bomb Cheese Fries, the nation probably needs another six years or so.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close