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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Report: Strongest Human Relationships Emerge From Bashing Friend Who Couldn't Make It Out

ITHACA, NY—Citing the deep sense of connection and camaraderie that is forged in such situations, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that the closest bonds between humans develop when a group of individuals tear into a friend who was apparently too busy to come out and join them that night. “Based on our findings, the strongest friendships are formed when people—whether they have gathered at one of their residences or out at a restaurant or bar—all agree that an absent acquaintance is always pulling this bullshit, and then begin to really dig into every last thing they dislike about them,” lead researcher James Thurmond told reporters, adding that the more they rip on the no-show’s infuriating habits, unbearable work stories, and unwillingness to ever “do anything remotely fun,” the more the bond between them deepens and grows. “For most, these interactions—such as shaking one’s head in disbelief at their friend’s terrible taste in music or film or how they actually skipped a mutual friend’s bachelor or bachelorette party—produce an intense level of rapport and profound interpersonal understanding. It’s as close as two human beings can possibly get.” The researchers noted that of the relationships they studied, the most intimate and enduring friendships emerged when all individuals agreed the night was more fun without the absent acquaintance anyway.

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