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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Report: Strongest Human Relationships Emerge From Bashing Friend Who Couldn't Make It Out

ITHACA, NY—Citing the deep sense of connection and camaraderie that is forged in such situations, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that the closest bonds between humans develop when a group of individuals tear into a friend who was apparently too busy to come out and join them that night. “Based on our findings, the strongest friendships are formed when people—whether they have gathered at one of their residences or out at a restaurant or bar—all agree that an absent acquaintance is always pulling this bullshit, and then begin to really dig into every last thing they dislike about them,” lead researcher James Thurmond told reporters, adding that the more they rip on the no-show’s infuriating habits, unbearable work stories, and unwillingness to ever “do anything remotely fun,” the more the bond between them deepens and grows. “For most, these interactions—such as shaking one’s head in disbelief at their friend’s terrible taste in music or film or how they actually skipped a mutual friend’s bachelor or bachelorette party—produce an intense level of rapport and profound interpersonal understanding. It’s as close as two human beings can possibly get.” The researchers noted that of the relationships they studied, the most intimate and enduring friendships emerged when all individuals agreed the night was more fun without the absent acquaintance anyway.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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