Report: Strongest Human Relationships Emerge From Bashing Friend Who Couldn't Make It Out

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Vol 50 Issue 11

Cheddar Cheese Prices Skyrocket Due To Chinese Demand

The Dairy Export Council reported this week that the cost of cheddar cheese climbed 18 percent this year to its highest price ever because domestic manufacturers have been unable to meet the demand for cheese by Chinese purchasers.

Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell

John Kerry poses as a masseuse to get a few minutes with Putin, parents reminisce to their children about the dating algorithm that brought them together, and a lowly mortal opens a portal to hell.

Surge Answered With Rally

SAN DIEGO—With a succession of quick baskets during the NCAA Tournament Friday, sources confirmed that a surge was quickly answered by a rally.

Sleep Loss Can Cause Brain Damage

A study published this week in the journal Neuroscience found that inconsistent sleep patterns, including not sleeping enough and sleeping erratic hours, can result in an irreversible loss of brain neurons.
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Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Report: Strongest Human Relationships Emerge From Bashing Friend Who Couldn't Make It Out

ITHACA, NY—Citing the deep sense of connection and camaraderie that is forged in such situations, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that the closest bonds between humans develop when a group of individuals tear into a friend who was apparently too busy to come out and join them that night. “Based on our findings, the strongest friendships are formed when people—whether they have gathered at one of their residences or out at a restaurant or bar—all agree that an absent acquaintance is always pulling this bullshit, and then begin to really dig into every last thing they dislike about them,” lead researcher James Thurmond told reporters, adding that the more they rip on the no-show’s infuriating habits, unbearable work stories, and unwillingness to ever “do anything remotely fun,” the more the bond between them deepens and grows. “For most, these interactions—such as shaking one’s head in disbelief at their friend’s terrible taste in music or film or how they actually skipped a mutual friend’s bachelor or bachelorette party—produce an intense level of rapport and profound interpersonal understanding. It’s as close as two human beings can possibly get.” The researchers noted that of the relationships they studied, the most intimate and enduring friendships emerged when all individuals agreed the night was more fun without the absent acquaintance anyway.

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